THERE’S NO PLAYBOOK
“There is no parenting playbook.”
“What?! What do you mean no parenting playbook? How am I going to get this right?!”
“OJT…”
“Are you serious? On the job training? You mean I have to figure this out on the fly?”
“Yup.”
“But that could be disastrous…”
“It probably won’t be (most of the time at least), but it will definitely be harder than you thought.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. This little person that God has gifted you with will both make you and break you and sometimes at the very same time. It will be exhilarating and defeating, both. Some of your best times in life and, perhaps, some of your worst. But in the end, if you stay true to the process, both you and your child will eventually grow up together. Oh, and your playbook? It will be ready for publishing at some point. One thing though, it won’t be a best seller most likely.”
“Oh? Why not?”
“Because your playbook is specifically about you and your child. Some things might apply to others. But your playbook is your playbook. And what story it will be! Ready to get going?”
“Ummm, maybe we should pray first?”
“Good idea! Our Father…”
MISERY LOVES COMPANY?
But just so you know, you’re in good company. Fathers around the world and for all time struggle with this very thing. And you might be interested in knowing that Dr. Dan Allender (who is president of Mars Hill Graduate School in Seattle Washington where he also serves as professor of counseling) has struggled as well. And knowing he is also a psychologist, speaker, writer and fly fisherman might also be some cold comfort—or perhaps more.
In his book “How Children Raise Parents” he presents a very vulnerable self as the father he is. For example, he states:
- I am not a good father. I desperately love my children and I am very troubled by what I have failed to be as a parent.
- The doorway to knowing ourselves and God is often found in a relationship with someone who is dependent on our care. In such a relationship of need, we face how much we are given to give away to others as well as how often we do not give all that we have. It is that disparity between potential and the actual that can break our hearts. I have so much; I give so little. There is no relationship on earth in which we are called to be more noble and to sacrifice more deeply than with our children. And our hearts are pierced more profoundly in that failure to give all than they are in perhaps any other relationship.
- There is no question about our parental responsibility to raise our children. We are older, wiser, and more experienced. The bruises of life have prepared us to see beyond the current calamity or the short-lived, yet exuberant, success. We parents must be our children’s elders, coaches, counselors, mentors, cheerleaders. In other words, we parents must parent.
- However, to be great parent, we must allow our children to shape our lives. We must not only guide and shape our children, but we must also go to them as students of life. If we will allow it, our children will grow us up to be mature adults who can offer them a taste of heaven. Thus the blessing is bestowed on both.
So what do you think now? Did you notice the twist? Kids raising parents while parents raise kids? There’s a notion that everyone you meet is both your teacher and your student. I think this includes your child as well. Both of you are on the road to growing up. Think about it.
I hope that’s some encouragement for what lies ahead (or for what you’re already in the midst of).
I’m typically not a fan of philosophical constructs or cute ways to by which to remember principles, but this one entered my mind and I can’t shake it. So here goes: STAND, STUDY and STEER.
STAND in the grace of God and in the knowledge that you, yourself, are uniquely gifted, and uniquely suited to be your child’s parent.
STUDY your child intently (in depth) and intentionally (on purpose). Why? Partly because they’re studying you; partly because they’re God’s design and God’s tool to help bring you to maturity.
STEER your child according to the ever-changing findings of your study; hold your conclusions loosely…base your goals for your child on God’s desire for your child, remembering he/she is first and foremost His.
I encourage you to read these four biblical passages as foundational to these ideas: Psalm 139:13-16, Psalm 127:3-5a, Ephesians 2:8-10,
Proverbs 22:6
DAD HACKS
So dads…here are a few hacks to consider as you work on writing your parenting playbook (and on growing up):
• Every person (including your child) is your student and your teacher. (Plan to learn about yourself)
• Study your child, Pray for your child, Be grateful. (Plan to be actively involved)
• Be vulnerable to show you’re still learning and you’re imperfect. (Plan to fail and to seek forgiveness)
• As a dad, let your daughter paint your nails and let your son beat you at ANYTHING!” (Plan ways for your kids to lead and be in charge—while it’s safe to fail—and of course, let it be safe to fail)
