SO THE STORY GOES…
One day an old man was casually walking along a country lane with his dog and his mule. Suddenly a speeding pick-up truck careened around the corner, knocking the man, his mule, and his dog into the ditch.
The old man decided to sue the driver of the truck, seeking to recoup the cost of the damages. While the old man was on the stand, the counsel for the defense cross-examined the man by asking a simple question: “I want you to answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the following question: Did you or did you not say at the time of the accident that you were ‘perfectly fine'”?
And the man said, “Well, me and my dog and my mule were walking along the road … “
And the counsel for defense said, “Stop, stop, I asked you, tell me ‘yes’ or ‘no’, did you say you were ‘perfectly fine’ at the time of the accident?”
“Well, me and my dog and my mule were walking along the road and … “
The defense attorney appealed to the judge. “Your honor,” he said, “the man is not answering the question. Would you please insist that he answer the question?”
The judge said, “Well, he obviously wants to tell us something. Let him speak.”
So the man said, “Well, me and my dog and my mule were walking along the road and this truck came around the corner far too fast, knocked us into the ditch. The driver stopped, got out of his truck, saw my dog was badly injured, went back to his truck, got his rifle, and he shot it. Then he saw that my mule had broken his leg so he shot it. Then he said, ‘How are you?’ And I said, ‘I’m perfectly fine.'”
I’M NO EXPERT BUT I KNOW A FEW THINGS (IF YOU CARE TO LISTEN)
I’m no expert, but I have slowly learned that communication—good communication—is much more complicated than “saying words and hearing words”. Good communication is rich and rewarding. Good communication doesn’t eliminate conflict, but it does go a long way toward minimizing it.
Good communication takes a good bit longer, because it goes a good bit slower.
I was reminded recently that communication experts (again, not me) have determined that 93 percent of communication is understood from “tone” and “body language.” You say, “But what about words?” Good question. Only 7% of communication is the actual words we speak.
I know, right. Every time I see that statistic, it boggles my mind, too!
But I know from personal experience that “eye rolls” and “huffing and puffing” never serve me well. Crossing my arms (and legs) makes me look closed off and like I’m trying to hide or conceal something. Or maybe it just communicates “I don’t want to be present right now.”
What I also know is that life goes fast and, as a result, we tend to talk fast. We talk in passing. We talk to each other from other rooms. Sometimes we mumble and sometimes we yell.
Think about it. How often in your conversations do you sit face to face with someone? You’re totally present, and you’re not thinking about the next thing you’re going to say, let alone the next thing you’re going to do (or your next “appointment”)?
Could it be that I also just described 93% of my communication (and yours for that matter)? Yikes!
Let’s agree we owe it to each other to do better. To be totally present. To choose our words well. To not say one thing with the 7% tool and do something totally incongruent with the 93% tools.
”One of the (sincerest) forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” –Bryant H. McGill
So show respect.
The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said” –Peter Drucker
So pay attention not only to the words, but the things being left out and the things being presented in the 93% of what’s being communicated.
“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” –Karl A. Menninger“Listening is being able to be changed by the other person.” –Alan Alda
Imagine being changed simply because you listened more intently and purposefully. Here’s something I’ve learned as a life coach. My client (if I’m listening well) will always give me a big clue as to the next question I should ask. So I have to listen well.
“…take this to heart: Be quick to listen, but slow to speak. And be slow to become angry, for human anger is never a legitimate tool to promote God’s righteous purpose.” (James 1:19-20, TPT)
Our spouses deserve our best listening effort. Our kids do, too! Oh, throw the rest of humanity in there as long as working on yourself! Practice hard! It’ll pay off.
